Two years ago today, we sent our son off to Marine boot camp. It’s a day I will never forget, and one I never want to relive. After his first year at college, he decided it wasn’t for him. He explored his options and decided he wanted to be a Marine. This took some getting used to, but we never said no which surprised him. He turned 20 during those 13 weeks of boot camp, and through all my tears and worry, I grew stronger as a person and a mom. I remember sitting down next to a colleague, a Marine Dad, the next day in a meeting, and he told me this may be hard now, but just wait for graduation day, it will be the proudest day of your life. Those words stayed with me, and proved to be absolutely true.
Looking back, it was exactly what he needed to do and the best decision he has made. He has learned a trade that, if he choses, will allow him to make six figures in the civilian world. He can take college classes while he is serving, and he can finish his degree, for free. We don’t know what the future holds or what he will decide for his career, but as parents, we are excited that he has options.
I share our story with you in this blog and podcast simply for other parents to see that college is not the only option or even the right one for every high school graduate. Sometimes it is the path taken because nothing else is considered or even accepted. Our son graduated with an awesome GPA, is quite smart, was studying engineering and playing soccer in college. But none of that mattered because he was not happy. We do have a few military family members, so we were not opposed to him joining; however, quite honestly, I was selfish and just didn’t want MY son serving. But now I proudly say, my son is a Marine. It’s still not easy. The amount of time we spend together is short. We are so thankful that at the moment is serves on U.S. soil. (I pray for those family members that are not a fortunate to say that.) We have hopes and dreams for our children the minute we find out we will be parents. Sometimes, our dreams for them do not line up with their goals. While this isn’t easy, there comes a point in their lives that we must believe we have raised them the best we can and it is time for them to soar. After all, they are God’s children first. God will be with them through it all, even those times we are not near.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
I always tell my kids when they go through a tough time or a set back in life to focus on the positive. Find the lesson you have learned and look at the good in a situation. Even in the depths of grief and despair you can find good. So, I decided maybe I should take my own advice, and dig deep to find the lessons from 2020. Here is my list, they are in no particular order and this is not exhaustive, as I am sure there are plenty more things I have learned, so I will continue to ponder. What about you? What would you add to this list for yourself?
Don’t ever underestimate being prepared. I am typically someone who does plan ahead. I don’t like to wait to the last minute to pack, to plan meals, etc. But what I didn’t typically do was stock up on necessities, like toilet paper! 2020 taught me to be sure to have the bare necessities on hand at all times.
Creating community is very important. We created all kinds of communities in various ways. One community that I am taking with me into 2021 and beyond is a small group of ladies we now call, “The Dream Team.” We were supposed to plan a Post Prom together in 2020, but instead we created friendships and bonded over the misery of the disappointments our 18 year olds experienced being seniors and starting college. 2020 gave me a great group of new friends!
Family dinners are important. We always made time in our home for family dinners, as much as possible. The pandemic has given us so much more time to sit together and eat. Not only do we gather together, we also spend ample amount of time after dinner at the table chatting. Even though we are in the same home all day together, with work/school, dinner is still our time to catch up with our day.
Church is more than Sunday morning worship. Everyone learned to accommodate remote worship. Church leaders have learned to be so creative! From live streaming worship, to drive-in worship and everything in between. But I think we learned that church has to be a verb. Neighbors taking care of neighbors, that is also church. Also, the amount of people that can be reached with online worship is far beyond anything we would ever see in a building on a Sunday morning, but if you are not creating community, worship isn’t going to be enough.
Breaking tradition can be very refreshing. Nothing has been “typical” about 2020. But for our family, a high school graduation celebration became something that had to be reimagined. The Senior Parade (Seniors were in their cars driving a route around town) was such a fun event, and it would never have happened without the pandemic. I also had to scramble to recreate a long standing tradition of a youth conference that I help head up at work, and after almost 50 years, we pulled together a virtual event. These are just a couple things out of many traditions that were broken for our family this year, but we still made so many memories together!
Time is relative and timing is everything. What day is it anyway? We all lost our sense of time this year! No one knows what day it is. and how in the world is it already the end of December? In a sense, time slowed down, calendars cleared and it felt like we had all the time in the world. The lesson I learned was make each moment count otherwise days slip by. We made a move this year, in the middle of summer right before sending our daughter to college, and it was by far a great decision. In the midst of it, I was going crazy, but once we sent our baby off to school, I was so happy to have a fresh start. The timing was perfect, and it gave me something to focus on other than a quiet, empty home.
Creativity is exhausting. When the calendar cleared overnight, I had to reimagine my job duties. With that came a clean slate and a rethinking of what the future could look like for the ministry I’m charged with. All of that was actually excited and rejuvenating. However, it is taxing on the brain. It is easy to do the same thing, week after week, month after month. The calendar dictated my to do list. But once I was freed from that list, and could start reimagining, it became exhausting. I quickly learned to take some time in fresh air to clear my mind give myself some space to think and at times, daydream.
Quiet time is more important than you think. If we spent time on screens in 2019, you could multiply that by 100 in 2020. With all of the time we spend in front of our computers, on zoom, our phones and mindless TV (Tiger King, need I say more?) quiet time became evermore important. I have always had a creative, crafty interest. Pandemic+becoming an empty nester=time to start hobbies again! I refinished furniture, started painting again, learned to make hot chocolate bombs and got a Cricut for Christmas. So, I plan on using some of my quiet time in 2021 to continue crafting!
Tik Tok is a black hole. I have always tried to keep up on the latest social media apps and trends, it’s part of my job, but also a way to stay in communication with my own kids. So, I have spent too much time on Tik Tok, I admit, but it became a late night past time with my daughter as we laughed until we cried watching all the silly things out there. Memories were made together over Tik Tok, if you can imagine! (I might have even let her talk me into participating in a couple!)
God’s got this, don’t stress about it. As we worked through what we thought was going to be a two week shut down, that ended up being two months that we thought would ease up in the summer and then all the sudden it was Thanksgiving, things at times became stressful. This year has taught me that I am not in control. Our lives changed weekly, and there was nothing I could do about it. But, God remain constant and steadfast. We still don’t know when the end of this will come, but knowing that with faith, we will get through this has brought some sense of peace.
These are things I have learned personally. My husband and I have been fortunate enough to stay employed, and our family has remained healthy. Not everyone has been as fortunate. So, please know we are praying for those of you who may have more heavy hearts and trials that you are facing.
We’ve prepared our kids (if they are college bound) and ourselves for this exact moment in time. And yet, we dread the day that it comes. The college move-in day. It is such a mixed bag of emotions. We want them to graduate high school, to have goals, dreams and aspirations. We don’t want them living in our basements forever, but do we have to say goodbye? The summer before they leave the nest is a roller coaster ride for everyone. They want their independence, they are excited to go, they don’t want to leave their high school friends, they are nervous. As parents we feel it as well: excitement, sadness and doubt. Eventually, the day comes. The suitcase is packed and the car(s) are loaded. The only thing that’s left is to say good-bye. The thing is, this is just the beginning. Every weekend trip home, holiday or break, you will have to say it all over again. It doesn’t get easier. And don’t even get me started with those of you who raised a child who is brave enough to serve in the military! This podcast features two moms who have young adults. We have said “See ya later” too many times to count and have lived to tell you about it!
The Class of 2020 will go down in history. They will be forever bonded because of their experiences they have shared being quarantined this spring. As the parents of these young people, we, too, share a special bond that others can’t understand. In this blog and podcast, three moms talk about our different experiences being in the same situation.
Bishop Tracy Malone has a daughter graduating high school and one graduating college. Lillian has a son in the class of 2020, a son in 8th grade and a daughter in 7th. My youngest is a daughter graduating high school this spring. So, we are all experiencing the circumstances of having our kids go through the disappointments of missing out on all sorts of important experiences. In the podcast, we talk about the phases of grief we have witnessed in our children as well as the emotions we have felt as we walk through this time with them.
We share our thoughts from our experience. As we watch our graduates process their emotions, we have had to ride this roller coaster along the way. But giving them time and space seems to have helped our own kids. We have also see that finding new or different ways to celebrate these milestones with them helps us all. Ways to allow the seniors to be a part of the discussion and decisions will help them feel more in control of their chaotic life right now.
All three moms agree that it is also vital to look for the blessings in the situation we are in currently. What have you learned? What is something new you are doing? Who is someone you’ve come to know during the quarantine? (Or someone you know better, even a family member.) Focusing on the positives helps us get through tough times. Also, find ways to be a blessing to others. We have made cookies to deliver. I know other families have made cards to take to shut-ins. There are all kinds of ways to reach out to others.
Three months ago, no one would believe where we would be right now. Our seniors dreamed of all the “lasts” they were going to get to encounter. All the fun that comes with being a senior, especially the last few months. But that isn’t how our lives played out. It has been a difficult season, but we have managed to pull through it together. As parents of the class of 2020, we, too, will be forever bounded with one another through our common experiences with our children. Together we will be stronger because of it. Congratulations parents and a special congratulations to the Class of 2020!
Hello! It has been a while since I have just written a blog without a podcast. I will have our weekly devotional/Bible study out tomorrow. But for today, I thought I would just sit and write for a minute, and be honest…and maybe not so practical?!
This sucks. (There is no better way to say it, and if my mother was alive, she would probably allow me to say that, even though at 16, she’d correct me.) But it does! It is tough for everyone right now, but being a parent is especially rough. You are being asked to home school, while trying to work from home. There are those who may not even be working right now because your place of business is shut down, or you are worried about losing your job. Maybe you are part of the population who can’t work from home, still have a job, but no childcare. As parents, we are all anxious. We are living through a situation for which we are not prepared. The closest thing to this in my memory is 911, but even that is different. Then we did go out, we did gather to support each other, we just didn’t fly…for only four days! Our churches saw a huge surge of people gathering for worship, and we made it through…together.
But here we are, sitting in our homes, or going to work, then straight home. No church, no school, no concerts, no games, no practice…even no toilet paper! I want to remind you we are still in this together. Stay calm, especially for our children
I am a mom of an 18 year old who is a senior in high school and a Marine who just turned 21. It has impacted us. We are consoling our senior who is grieving the thoughts of the possibility no graduation or prom, and also the last weeks of school with all of her classmates and beloved teachers. And supporting our Marine from afar who is stuck at his current base, as his schooling is over, and he unable to travel to his Permanent Duty Station.
But, I keep reminding them, and I will remind all of you. Find the blessings. Look for the good. We get to sit down as a family every night and have dinner TOGETHER. My husband isn’t gone, traveling for work. We can watch movies, play games, do whatever we want because no one is running out the door to practice or a meeting. We are right here, TOGETHER. What a blessing!
And on the days you can’t find a blessing…be one! I just saw a friend post that her son is out of the country on military deployment, and while he is very safe, his is worried for his young family who is quarantined on base. So, this friend asked for people to send letters. I’ve also seen suggestions to send letters, or have children draw pictures to send to those in nursing homes. Do it! Maybe you can show support to the first responders in your community. Or just simply pick up the phone and make a phone call to someone who lives alone. Praise God this is happening at a time where FaceTime exists! How wonderful to see faces of loved ones that we can not visit right now.
Where are you struggling? Where are your blessings? Keep your chin up friends, we are all in this TOGETHER…and if you have kids my age (and maybe younger) these lyrics may be in your head now and are so fitting:
Together, together, together everyone Together, together, come on lets have some fun Together, were there for each other every time Together together come on lets do this right
We’re all in this together Once we know That we are We’re all stars And we see that We’re all in this together And it shows When we stand Hand in hand Make our dreams come true
Peace my friends! Stay healthy and calm.
***Image taken from Pinterest of Disney’s High School Musical
Talking to young people about life and legends and leaving a legacy.
Yesterday the world lost a legend. Kobe Bryant was a legend on the basketball court as well as in his daily life. We are shocked. I was on the phone with my son when he said I think Kobe died in a helicopter accident. I said, “Are you sure? It’s probably a hoax.” But unfortunately, a quick Google search confirmed the tragedy. Shocked.
I’m sure we are all asking the questions. Why? Why would God take him when he was so young? Take his daughter? Take the other parents and children in the helicopter as well? Good people gone so quickly. It doesn’t seem fair. So what do you say?
The honest answer…I…don’t…know. There is just no answer. It’s a question we ask every time we lose someone. And, we are not God. However, we know that God is good, and that there is more to our lives than this world. We must find the positive in everything that happens. When we are focused on finding good, we begin to heal. Somehow we need to cling to the idea that our lives have a purpose. We must celebrate the lives of those around us, taking advantage of every moment and being present with the people we care about the most.
When talking about losing a legend, like Kobe, it’s helpful to talk about legacy with young people. What is the legacy that Kobe will leave behind? What are his accomplishments that the world will always remember? What kind of things can we do on a regular basis in our own lives that help us to leave our own legacy? When we experience loss, it is often a time for us to readjust our own priorities.
No matter if you live or work with young people, make sure you are having the conversation. It is through discourse that we are able to process our emotions. Give teens and young adults the opportunity to express what they are feeling. Allow them safe places to ask the hard questions. And be OK with not having all the answers. Sometimes we just don’t understand, and don’t have the words to make it better.
Praying for Bryant family and for the families of those who were with him.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding,” ~Proverbs 3:5
We are Christians, of course we are nice to everyone! There are few members of our congregations who would say that they are not welcoming and nice to ALL people who want to come to “our” church. The kids in our youth groups would say the exact same thing because that’s how we raised them. That is…until someone who isn’t like us walks through our doors. That “someone” could be of another ethnicity, another race, another socioeconomic background, another sexual orientation, then we may be welcoming, but only to an extent. Let’s be honest. Anyone different than us is welcome to come to “our” church, and we will even allow them to become a member(after all, it could mean more money in the plate each week to help us pay the electricity bill), but when they start wanting to join committees or lead our children, or join our Sunday school, that is where we draw the line. You see, it is time that we realize that just being nice sometimes isn’t enough. After all, Jesus went above and beyond just being nice. He had conversations, He sat down and ate with those who others dismissed. Even some of His inner circle of disciples could be seen as “less than.” So, let’s dig deep and really evaluate the difference between being welcoming and affirming. This podcast is an honest conversation on just that and what it means in our churches/youth groups. For more information on the Trevor Project
Info about United Methodist Church’s advocacy for justice is here.
Youth Pastors say the most difficult part of the job is managing ministry with the lives of busy families. But we want nothing more than to support parents during the teen years. On today’s podcast we talk with a mom of 4 young adults that grew up in church and youth group. She shares why church was important to her family. What are you doing to connect to parents and/or to help parents connect with one another?
Decency~Respect~Dignity: Talking Points around the Supreme Juridical Confirmation Hearing
Introduction: This confirmation hearing has been just one more thing that separates our country. In an effort to show our young people that even if we disagree on issues, we can find common ground somewhere and walk away from discussions agreeing to disagree, still respecting and speaking to one another. This particular discussion is not political. No matter which side of the aisle you find yourself, the testimonies hit on topics that were relevant in 1982 and are still relevant for our teens today. I implore you as parents, educators and spiritual leaders not to shy away from such topics as sex, under age alcohol consumption, and poor decisions. Research shows that the teen brain is not fully developed and therefore, teens lack cognitive skills such as problem solving, memory, emotional expression, judgement and sexual behaviors. It is our job as adults to help them work through cause and effect situations PRIOR to them having to make decisions. So, it is important, no matter the subject, to present facts (this also means both sides of an argument) and allow teens to work through their own thought process to claim their own opinions, conclusions and convictions. The more you force your beliefs on them, the more push back you will get.
Also keep in mind, no matter how well you know a teen, they may be hiding something, so precede with caution, assuming that there is someone in your youth group, or your teen’s friend group that has been a part of an unwanted advance or have made a mistake and is feeling shame.
Audience: We recommend this discussion for high school students. If you are a parent, you may wish to discuss the topics with your mature middle school children. For our youth leaders, be sure parents are aware that you are discussing sensitive subject matter ahead of time.
Biblical Context: John 4:1-26“The Woman at the Well.” Click here or here for background information and commentary on these verses.
Who would like to look up the definitions of these words?
Let’s think of some examples, it could be someone famous, or a situation with a friend or family where actions show decency, respect or dignity. (This could be as simple as helping someone pick up books they’ve dropped in the hall.)
Where or what are the areas of your life, where you perceived that decency, respect, and dignity is lacking?
What are areas in the larger culture where you notice a lack of decency, respect and dignity?
Let’s take a look at John 4. Have students read aloud, and if there are different versions of the Bible, have students read the verses more than once. Help them understand the context and culture of the time.
Why is she an outcast? (Her multiple marriages) Do you think the community treats her ex-husbands the same way? Why or why not?
So, why would Jesus interact with her?
Have you ever been made fun of for interacting with an “outcast”? Do you put yourself in the shoes of that person?
Is there a situation where we should excuse lack of decency or respect?
What behaviors do you excuse?
What are ways that you respect yourself? Respect your friends?
What is the Golden Rule?
How can you show “love” to your neighbor? What if they have wronged you? What if they don’t agree with you? (Be sure that you help them understand that our love for one another comes from God’s love for us, we love because He loves us.)
What is a scenario at school where you have seen OR could be the example of The Golden Rule?
In the story of The Woman at the Well, how did Jesus’ actions support The Golden Rule?
How does Decency, Respect and Dignity play into The Golden Rule?
Is there a difference in the way boys interact with one another? What about girls? (When the other gender is not around.)
The incident that is under investigation with the Confirmation Hearing for Judge Kavanaugh happened in the early 1980’s when he was 17 and Dr. Ford was 15. For her, the assault she is claiming has affected her all of her life. In his case, the claim could ruin his career. What situations do you see teens in, or what decisions that teens make, could affect them the rest of their lives? Be sure they see one big difference in teens today compared to 1980’s being social media, and the fact that posts do not go away.
Lying is another big topic in this situation. Some people say she is lying others think he isn’t telling the truth. Have you ever been accused of not telling the truth? What did that feel like? How does decency, respect and dignity play into truthfulness?
Do you have a trusted adult, someone you could turn to if you get into a situation where you need help?
Do you have “safe words” with this person if you have to call them in the middle of a situation? (i.e. I have a headache, can you pick me up?)
End with some like: No matter how this Confirmation Hearing ends, it has brought up some important topics for us. It is important for all of us to treat one another and ourselves with the decency, respect and dignity that we, as children of God, deserve. And when/if someone defies you, tell someone. Never forget, that actions speak louder than words, and our actions, for good or ill, can have lifelong impact.